Visions of Sugar Plums

‘Twas the night before…

The skill of being centered and living in the moment as I understand it is not about ignoring the past or the future. The past is gone, but is felt and experienced in how it shapes today, shapes this moment. And actions taken now lead to the next. A capitol letter leads off the sentence and punctuation ends it. Whatever standard or convenience for communication we have, each moment is a prelude to another. Time “passes.” And it leads somewhere.

Tomorrow is all day of medical tests, starting at 9:30 a.m. and at 2:30 p.m. (or thereabouts) I meet with my doc and some of the team to go over the procedures one more time and I sign the informed consent. “Nestled in bed with visions of … ”

Erica W. Presque Isle Park looking out toward Erie. Beauty between clouds on a 17.5 mile run.
Erica W. Presque Isle Park looking out toward Erie. Beauty between clouds on a 17.5 mile run.

As childish as it seems to me, I still have visions of sugar plums the night before Christmas, even on the Christmases I have spent alone. I know “better” and some years it has led to some pretty nasty depression and in others the acknowledgement of “it is what it is” just leads to a “beginners mind” exploration of the thoughts – meaning that one separates oneself from the thought and explores it with fresh, non judgmental perspective. Anyway… whether one looks at this as just a cognitive process to deal with emotions or thinks of it as “mindfulness” with Buddhists underpinnings, it does not change that those silly wintergreen, spearmint and anise sugar plums are not doing the Texas two-step in my head.

It’s impossible to know the outcome of this procedure. A myleoblative allogeneic stem cell transplant after years of ongoing chemo is a risk. There’s as much a chance things end badly (with badly ranging from BAD to “ah shoot”) and they are to ending well (with “well” ranging from growing old with my sweetie to remaining active for a few more years.) Wintergreen sugar plums equal the licorice and anise.

So, it is with a beginners mind that I write this, knowing that it is a beautiful day and nothing done to today will change yesterday or change the unfolding of the future. Socks (my kitty) sits beside me, intent on a beautifully singing bird just outside the window. It’s a safe bet she is not admiring the song.

Beautiful day. Cool, with hints of Autumn that are greatly influenced by a horrendous hurricane devastating Haitians… people who seem to suffer horrors one after another.

Anyway… Merry Christmas.

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